my life: a strangled scream

Gerhard Martin:

MY LIFE: A strangled cry

Since I had been strangled and shaken almost to death (-most probably by a young, hopelessly overworked, overstrain & overwrought  nurse-) when I was a baby in Kempten Hospital in 1975, my life had been accompanied by the fear of death that my fellow man would RATHER KILL ME in their blind wrath & psychosis, than they would realize what they are doing! :-O

And everything began THIS way:



CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL of KEMPTEN (Upper-Allgäu, Bavaria) 1975:

twice (at age 8 months & age 1 year and 1 month) emotional experience of complete neglection of my needs for DAYS, accompanied by most careful “medi-cynical” care:

- “Lumbar puncture” (spinal cord removal)

- “when bumping it, Child shows no compensatory movements, child simply drops to”

- “Tendons-Reflexes can not be assessed, because of intense crying”

- "Arms always held far to the side, when sitting and lying"

   "permanent holding the arms spread aside NOT noticed (by the Parents)"

- X-rays, blood serum levels, EEG, ECG, antibiotics, …

- Etc. …

+ BUT: no love, no peaceful approximacy or being accepted :-(



Moreover, my “other-directed” mother stopped to breastfeed me after 4 weeks , on the advice of the violent “child experts” . This would be indeed “from the Past”, they said …. “empirically superior”. : O

She has expressed the suggestion towards me that I was probably strapped for spinal cord removal or “fixed”. :-S :-(

My mother said that she had noticed I had changed a lot after she had brought me back home from the Children’s Hospital. I had become a cry-baby, if only she wanted to touch me or just turn on the back, and I stopped sleeping well.

I constantly struggle with exhaustion and hopelessness-depression  that ALL my ever so clear appeals of CONSCIOUSNESS, honest feelings, vulnerability  & neediness to my fellow human beings are ultimately VAIN. :-(

I am constantly in danger of imploding as a person and to collapse when I offer vulnerability, self-responsibility & free decision on everyone´s choice … but STILL get  … or even get MORE violence, threats, abuse, insults, unkindness, disrespect, misunderstanding …. and above all: “NOT-goal”-demands !!!

I feel then, how everything starts to turn around me & seeming to be shaking/wiggling in an intoxication of fear  …. and every time I use up ALL TRUST of this world to expose me defenseless (-again and again-) to the blind rage of my fellow humans ! 0 :-)

But as a thank  I get (almost) NEVER get an expression of regret or remorse or sadness or fright of the people … NO … I can be “happy” if the  threatened physical violence to me will be stopped, and I will be spared from further insults.

Most people then just turn away from me…  cowardly adding the diffuse warning / threat: “Woe to you if this will happen again :-@ !!!” (…..that people will just misunderstand me again.)

:-(

MORE OF THAT which has NOT HELPED untill NOW ! That this shall be a LESSON to me when  people “unmistakeable” DON´T say what they want from me ….but “puke” towards me with all aggression, what they DO NOT WANT!

Even ARMED, “prone to violence”-occurring men in uniform have been rushed on me! :-O

And instead of  giving me APPRECIATION and RECOGNITION that I offer OTHER ways than this violence, need-distance and rejection of responsibiliy, I’m afraid my fellow-beings just put me on their list of “suspects and geeks” who have lost any “bonus”. :-( (Just because I’m unarmed, do not believe in possession / belongings, show honesty and openness, act mindfully aware try to practice self-responsibility !)

However, I need something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT from YOU:

I want my BE SURE that ALL of my fellow men RESPECT & ACCEPT the VULNERABILITY of  LIVING beings & LIFE ITSELF, as well as the genuine feelings and needs, ABOVE all economic, military, security, religious, scientific or “image-tactical” considerations!

0 :-)

PLEASE make the evidence viewable by your deeds -in accordance with your words-  that you have really UNDERSTOOD this AND ACCEPTED my words! Okay ?